Bumps In The Road.

Another scattershot entry.

1. I opened up the Washington Post today and saw this column by advice columnist Carolyn Hax.

I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds. I am stubborn and prideful and any requests for me to change have been met with anger and tears.

I love that. She'd be perfect if she dropped 15 pounds.

I'm not always a big fan of Carolyn Hax, but I must say that I think she knocked this one out of the park. Wanting your loved ones to be healthy is one thing, but I know from previous experience that when men set an arbitrary weight for you to achieve after which you will be "perfect," it's a big fat honking red flag. They will never be satisfied. You will never be perfect. Lucy will forever be yanking that particular football away from you. Give the guy a Barbie doll if he wants a "perfect" woman -- or the woman who'd be perfect for him -- and get the hell out of Dodge. And maybe get away from the gym-going "friends" of hers who don't seem to think there's anything all that wrong with this jerk's attitude.

There's going to be a live chat with Carolyn Hax on Friday and I just might peek in on this one.

Anyone want to lay some odds on how many people show up to defend the guy? "But he's just worried about her heaaaallllth. And people are getting SO FAT -- how can you pick on him?"

Bah. Maybe I'll just stay away. I don't need any help to get upset and pissed off lately.

Why? Because ...

2. This has been a really bad week. One of our cats is terminally ill. He's probably not going to die tonight (in fact, he's acting pretty damn upbeat and chipper tonight), and he may not die this week, but there's not a thing we can do for him now beyond making him feel happy and comfortable and content while he's still doing relatively well.

My heart is breaking. I am not dealing with this well at all. I absolutely love this cat; he is the sweetest animal I've ever known. He's not even that old -- 11, at most -- and he was my husband's very first cat; my husband found him cowering under the mailbox. He took the kitty in just a month or so before he met me. In fact, that story is one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. You gotta love a guy who thinks he's a lifelong dog person but finds it in his heart to take in a homeless kitty.

I am trying to stifle the pain -- both the pain I'm feeling now over our cat's gradual deterioration and the pain I know I'll be feeling when the end comes and he's gone -- with too much food and too little exercise. This is (fill in the blank: Destructive. Pointless. Counterproductive. Stupid.) and yet I can't stop. Or I don't want to stop. I don't know. I thought I was done with that kind of thing, using food and sloth to medicate myself. But maybe it's just another manifestation of my compulsive spending. I'm faced with an awful situation that's out of my control, so what do I do? Create a situation I can control, so I can flagellate myself about how out of control I am and then vow to do better. That's what I do. That's my pattern.

I know that the right thing to do is to enjoy whatever time we have left with him, and accept that when he dies the pain is going to be huge and scary and damn near unbearable at first but that I will get through it; I've been there before and the clouds do eventually part. We'll miss him like crazy, but we'll survive. I know I'll get through it. I know I don't need to overeat to make myself feel better. I know that overeating won't make me feel any better anyhow; it'll just give me something else to feel really shitty about. But putting the knowledge into useful practice? That's much easier said than done.

Comments

[Shelly]

My sister just put her cat down. He was also 11 years old. Just so you know, the average lifespan of a cat is about 13 years - so your cat (and my sister's) is up there in age.

I'm sorry to hear about your cat, though - my sister was soooo upset when she put him down the other day. But she couldn't let him go on the way he was - he was in such massive pain. He had completley lost control of the back half of his body - he couldn't even attempt to walk without harming himself.

Grief is hard though, and losing a family pet isn't easy. Don't be too hard on yourself - you'll get through it. But for right now, do what you said - just keep kitty as comfortable as you can for as long as you can. He'll appreciate it.

[little miss ess]

Oh, I am so sorry to read about your cat. I had to have one put to sleep when she was only 8. I was going through a divorce at the time, and I just cried and cried and cried. I didn't stuff myself with food, because back then I was self-medicating by chainsmoking and drinking.

I've had problems with the shopping thing also.

It becomes a vicious cycle, doesn't it, even when we're aware of what we're doing.

Don't go to that chat thing, because you already know it will piss you off. I've seen similar back and forths go on over at Craigslist when some dude writes in that his chick has gotten too fat and he wants her to lose a few and how does he tell her that.

[Marla]

I'm so sorry! I loved my cats so much I can't even describe it, and I miss them a great deal.

I know this will sound stupid, but think about what your cat would want for you. He would never want you to be hurt, he would never want you to hurt yourself, especially because of your grief for him. Think about honoring him and honoring your relationship, and maybe that will give you the strength to avoid overeating in order to make yourself feel better - because honestly, when a beloved pet dies, NOTHING is going to make you feel better. You're not supposed to feel better.

I wish you the best in dealing with this, and I am really so sorry.

[BethK]

I'm sorry about your kitty. I lost my favorite girl at 13yrs old to lymphoma a couple of years ago. Those last few weeks her life were the hardest I have ever been through, but I wouldn't change a thing. She really did let me know when she'd had enough. I mourned her like I would any human family member. It does hurt, but it also gets better with time.

Big hugs for you and big cans of the stinkiest cat food available for him.