I really don't even want to update, but I feel like I owe it to myself and to people reading this blog to be honest about the shitty weeks as well as the good ones. Because make no mistake, there are going to be shitty weeks. And this has been one shitty week indeed, probably the worst one since I started all this in January 2005.
I swear ... it's like the last almost-two years never happened. My eating has been awful. I'm not watching my portions. I'm continuing to eat after I'm full; I'm aware that I'm doing it while I'm doing it and that it's an awful thing to do, but I won't stop. And my body's responding to that kind of training by making me want to eat all the time. And doing that makes me feel miserable and fat. And the ugly emotions make me want to eat even more.
And my exercise motivation has been nonexistent. If it weren't for my husband, who's not one to let my sloth get him down, I wouldn't have moved my body at all this week.
This is just plain inexcusable. We're right smack dab in the middle of my favorite time of the year. You'd think that if nothing else, I'd get off my ass at lunch and walk around downtown to drink in all the Christmas decorations. (Except that it's so unseasonably warm here right now that it doesn't even feel like fall, much less almost-December.) Our company is moving headquarters next year, so this is likely my last DC Christmas. I mean, it's not like we're moving to Jupiter; I could still come down on weekends. But it's probably the last Christmas season when DC will still be right outside the office door.
And am I taking advantage of that? Nope. I've been sitting in my cubicle and daring myself to not eat all the peanut brittle in the Trader Joe's trail mix I bought.
I've got no answers for why this is happening. Hell; I don't even have the right questions. This is unbelievably depressing.
I'm trying very hard to be kind to myself; I know too well that beating the mental crap out of myself just makes things even worse. I'll tell myself "Self, if a blogger you like wrote about going through this, you'd try to be supportive. You wouldn't write or even think 'God, you're disgusting -- what the hell is wrong with you!?' So give yourself the same consideration."
Sounds really good in theory, but it's hard. It's as if the Old Mindless Me moved back in overnight. I thought I'd made my peace with her, and I thought she understood that while I don't bear her any ill will, she wasn't welcome back.
Seems she didn't get the message.
Sigh. Today, I tried something a little different: I ate my normal breakfast and then a small meal (okay, another bagel; someone brought them in) at about 10:30. For my lunch break, I was full and didn't eat; I walked around Georgetown for an hour. I even stopped in a snooty boutique to try on a skirt (which was a very daring thing for me to do considering how bad I've been feeling about myself lately). I was honestly surprised that the Large was too big -- I guess I really was that disconnected from myself and my body lately. In the afternoon, I worked on a serving of trail mix and a handful of grapes. That helped to keep me from going on an eating rampage, but I don't know if the meals switch-up will keep working.
And we went to the rec center tonight, where I busted ass on the elliptical trainer for a while.
And this feels like the first "normal" eating and exercise day I've had all week. I can no longer take these for granted, it seems.
PS: Just because I don't want this entry to be a complete moanfest, a general question for a Friday. Which store name do you think is more embarrassing: "Fcuk" or "Dress Barn"?
Happy weekend, all.