What Happened?

I really don't even want to update, but I feel like I owe it to myself and to people reading this blog to be honest about the shitty weeks as well as the good ones. Because make no mistake, there are going to be shitty weeks. And this has been one shitty week indeed, probably the worst one since I started all this in January 2005.

I swear ... it's like the last almost-two years never happened. My eating has been awful. I'm not watching my portions. I'm continuing to eat after I'm full; I'm aware that I'm doing it while I'm doing it and that it's an awful thing to do, but I won't stop. And my body's responding to that kind of training by making me want to eat all the time. And doing that makes me feel miserable and fat. And the ugly emotions make me want to eat even more.

And my exercise motivation has been nonexistent. If it weren't for my husband, who's not one to let my sloth get him down, I wouldn't have moved my body at all this week.

This is just plain inexcusable. We're right smack dab in the middle of my favorite time of the year. You'd think that if nothing else, I'd get off my ass at lunch and walk around downtown to drink in all the Christmas decorations. (Except that it's so unseasonably warm here right now that it doesn't even feel like fall, much less almost-December.) Our company is moving headquarters next year, so this is likely my last DC Christmas. I mean, it's not like we're moving to Jupiter; I could still come down on weekends. But it's probably the last Christmas season when DC will still be right outside the office door.

And am I taking advantage of that? Nope. I've been sitting in my cubicle and daring myself to not eat all the peanut brittle in the Trader Joe's trail mix I bought.

Pathetic.

I've got no answers for why this is happening. Hell; I don't even have the right questions. This is unbelievably depressing.

I'm trying very hard to be kind to myself; I know too well that beating the mental crap out of myself just makes things even worse. I'll tell myself "Self, if a blogger you like wrote about going through this, you'd try to be supportive. You wouldn't write or even think 'God, you're disgusting -- what the hell is wrong with you!?' So give yourself the same consideration."

Sounds really good in theory, but it's hard. It's as if the Old Mindless Me moved back in overnight. I thought I'd made my peace with her, and I thought she understood that while I don't bear her any ill will, she wasn't welcome back.

Seems she didn't get the message.

Sigh. Today, I tried something a little different: I ate my normal breakfast and then a small meal (okay, another bagel; someone brought them in) at about 10:30. For my lunch break, I was full and didn't eat; I walked around Georgetown for an hour. I even stopped in a snooty boutique to try on a skirt (which was a very daring thing for me to do considering how bad I've been feeling about myself lately). I was honestly surprised that the Large was too big -- I guess I really was that disconnected from myself and my body lately. In the afternoon, I worked on a serving of trail mix and a handful of grapes. That helped to keep me from going on an eating rampage, but I don't know if the meals switch-up will keep working.

And we went to the rec center tonight, where I busted ass on the elliptical trainer for a while.

And this feels like the first "normal" eating and exercise day I've had all week. I can no longer take these for granted, it seems.

PS: Just because I don't want this entry to be a complete moanfest, a general question for a Friday. Which store name do you think is more embarrassing: "Fcuk" or "Dress Barn"?

Happy weekend, all.

Comments

[Debbi]

Two steps forward and one step back. You've come so far ... we all have!

It's almost like a baseball player in a hitting slump. They just keep on practicing, knowing their mojo will return and eventually it does.

And it will!

You know I'm saying all this for me, as well, don't you?

[Marla]

Dress Barn. Hands down. Yeah, a BARN. That's attractive! Although I've seen a store called Bra Patch which has equal repulsion value for me. I think they went out of business, gee wonder why?

I know you will get over this slump - when we're in the middle of something, it generally seems like it's lasting longer than it is, or that it's worse than it is. Not that I'm minimizing your situation, but I know you will figure out how to get out of it. Was it you who wrote recently about reading old entries and realizing that you go through a lot of the same stuff in cycles? That's what's valuable to me about keeping a journal; I can read something from a year or two years ago and see what I did then to solve it (or not!).

I know it's trite to blame it on the holidays, but there's no denying they cause a lot of stress. So many expectations...

[Marla]

Oh and another thing: I just looked at your updated photo gallery.

Husband = GORGEOUS.

[Vickie]

Cheer up - often when I/we come out of these slumps - I/we come out with GUSTO and really get moving to make up for things - so maybe you are just about to take off again.

[Jen]

DRESS BARN!!!

Don't stress too much about the recent funk. Look at the overall picture...you've done amazing things! And unfortunately what you're going thru is just part of life. If it were all predictable and level-headed, would it really be all that much fun?

[Jen]

DRESS BARN!!!

Don't stress too much about the recent funk. Look at the overall picture...you've done amazing things! And unfortunately what you're going thru is just part of life. If it were all predictable and level-headed, would it really be all that much fun?

[lme]

It sounds like you are already back on track!

And I find Dress Barn and fcuk equally embarrassing, but for different reasons.

Dress Barn, because, as people have noted, it contains the word barn, which implies large livestock. I don't like to think of clothing myself and large livestock at the same time. This may be why I have never stepped foot in a Dress Barn. It just sounds tacky.

As far as fcuk goes, I am always mortified for people when I see them wearing an item of that place's clothing emblazoned with those words. I think, oh, you poor thing, you probably think that is so cool and clever. Mean, I know.

[Dee]

We don't have either stores here but I'd say that both names stink. Dress Barn says to me denim jumpers and farmer's-wife clothing. I've never been to the store though!

Are you keeping a journal? I find that making myself repeat successful weeks helps to get me back into the groove again. I've had major funks too and have felt that somehow I'd lost control. A lot of it for me has been mind games. All I can say is that success breeds success and once you get back into the groove, you'll feel it again. ((( hugs ))) And yes, don't be so hard on yourself. Oh yeh - one more thing - there are some food items that I can only allow myself to have when I know that I'm in a self-controlled mode - like trail mix. I refused to buy it yesterday because I knew that I wouldn't be able to only have 1/4 cup or even 1/2 cup. Impossible. That stuff is awesome but dangerous to me!

[Mich]

I'd say fcuk is is the stupider one. I wouldn't even walk into their store in Toronto because I find the name so pathetically juvenile. And why do people buy and wear clothes with that store name emblazoned on them? Also, I have no negative connotations associated with "barn". Hay, horses, picture postcards, it's all good. :-)

As for the eating... it happens. Pick up, dust off, re-start, waste no energy in recriminations. Oh, and make sure you are getting enough (good) food to support the exercise. I firmly believe that food cravings mean that I'm not getting enough decent nutrition in, and therefore I'm going for the nearest junk.

[dg]

one day at a time... sounds like today was a positive step. i won't offer any advice coz i know the feeling all too well... just wanted to say hi and hang in there! you're a legend and don't ever forget it! *cheer squad goes wild*

[Lisa]

Don't beat yourself up! Sometimes you just need a break from all the counting and working out and being responsible. It sounds like you've hit that point. You'll pick yourself up when you're ready. Hang in there and be good to yourself!

[tracy]

What a weird coincidence....I just found your blog. I've read your "about" and checked out your start and your 'equipment'. I love how you stress exercise...I book marked you and did some other stuff, came back and was randomly looking thru your posts and found the Sept 14 post "Bleh I want a do-over". WELL ~ lol ~ you mentioned that you track your food on Spark...and I do Sparkpeople and after I found your blog and saw how helpful it seems, And before I saw that you Too did Spark, I went over to Spark and recommended your blog on a thread over there! lol....too weird. So, if you read over there, you might See your blog mentioned. Whew, now I'm going to go "read" you!~

[Allison]

FCUK is an acronym for "French Connection United Kingdom" although they took full advantage of it with a line of shirts that used the play on...letters and words.

I think the acronym is being phased out too.

[fussball]

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