So Monday was a bloody awful eating day, the kind that filled me with despair because at points it really felt like this was It, the moment when I was destined to fall off the wagon for good and return to the land of the morbidly obese. To fail, as I have so many times before. And I felt powerless to stop it. That woman from the last two and a half years, that focused, disciplined one -- where did she go?
It took a lot of positive self-talk to get myself down from that ledge. I was acutely aware, as I've never been before, that the choices I made right now were going to be the difference between this time and all the previous times I've tried to keep weight off.
Just being aware of that felt like a step forward. At that point, I was taking whatever I could get. In the past, it's been as if the bad habits and the pounds slipped back on overnight without me even noticing until I'd realize all my clothes were too small.
Tuesday was better. Reasonable meals. Healthful snacks, and not too many of them. No cookies. And I forced myself down to the basement and on the treadmill that night.
Wednesday: the same.
By Thursday, it all felt like habit again. The chocolate in my pantry is a treat for the weekend. The Sun Chips and popcorn in the office cafeteria and the gooey pastries at Starbucks didn't interest me at all. I didn't allow myself any loafing time after work before we changed into our workout clothes and headed out to the rec center.
Every night, I dutifully filled out my new workout log. Every morning, I'd wake up, flash back to what I'd done the day before, and feel happy and optimistic about the new day.
The mojo is back. So how the hell did I lose it so easily? It felt like such a simple effort to move myself back in the right direction. What took me so long? What's it going to take to keep me on the right track this time? This is the part where I'm really operating without a net, making it up as I go along. Keeping the weight off. Keeping the bad habits away.
Accepting that this process doesn't ever really end. It evolves, that's all.