So Monday was a bloody awful eating day, the kind that filled me with despair because at points it really felt like this was It, the moment when I was destined to fall off the wagon for good and return to the land of the morbidly obese. To fail, as I have so many times before. And I felt powerless to stop it. That woman from the last two and a half years, that focused, disciplined one -- where did she go?
It took a lot of positive self-talk to get myself down from that ledge. I was acutely aware, as I've never been before, that the choices I made right now were going to be the difference between this time and all the previous times I've tried to keep weight off.
Just being aware of that felt like a step forward. At that point, I was taking whatever I could get. In the past, it's been as if the bad habits and the pounds slipped back on overnight without me even noticing until I'd realize all my clothes were too small.
Tuesday was better. Reasonable meals. Healthful snacks, and not too many of them. No cookies. And I forced myself down to the basement and on the treadmill that night.
Wednesday: the same.
By Thursday, it all felt like habit again. The chocolate in my pantry is a treat for the weekend. The Sun Chips and popcorn in the office cafeteria and the gooey pastries at Starbucks didn't interest me at all. I didn't allow myself any loafing time after work before we changed into our workout clothes and headed out to the rec center.
Every night, I dutifully filled out my new workout log
The mojo is back. So how the hell did I lose it so easily? It felt like such a simple effort to move myself back in the right direction. What took me so long? What's it going to take to keep me on the right track this time? This is the part where I'm really operating without a net, making it up as I go along. Keeping the weight off. Keeping the bad habits away.
Accepting that this process doesn't ever really end. It evolves, that's all.
oh that last line is so true. an annoying pain in the arse, but so true. glad you found your mojo and that workout log sounds fab! sometimes only ol fashioned pen and paper will do :)
Posted by: dg | June 22, 2007 at 05:00 AM
Your Monday was my yesterday. I'm going to hope that by the time a week passes, I will have recovered and have made the same gains you have.
Posted by: Salma Gundi | June 22, 2007 at 06:53 AM
Back to basics, back to the first things we learned... I keep having to do that over and over again!
Posted by: Marla | June 22, 2007 at 04:03 PM
No idea why we lose our oomph so fast but I'm glad to hear you're back!! :) Good for you!!! You're inspiring me yet again. D
Posted by: Dee | June 26, 2007 at 03:02 PM
Hi I recently started reading your blog and am drawing much motivation by what you have accomplished. I lost 60 pounds in the past and eventually gained it all back. I am in my "second time around" phase and have lost 23 pounds so far. I know exactly where you are coming from because losing the weight to me was not as hard as maintaining it was. I am considering getting the book by Stacey Halprin (she was on Oprah a few times and lost hundreds of pounds)called Winning after Losing. She says it talks all about how to keep the weight off after all the effort of losing it. I frequently check amazon.com but haven't seen any reviews on it yet.
Thanks for documenting your story.
Posted by: Serina | June 29, 2007 at 10:49 AM