A Dumbbell In A Home Gym

Dress Barn Rules, Old Navy Drools.

I've been following the story about Old Navy kicking its plus sizes out of its stores via entries from Big Fat Deal and PastaQueen, and I've concluded that I don't really have anything new to add to what others have already said and said well.

(Except maybe this: Given that more Americans are overweight than not, a store that can't sell a halfway decent plus-size clothing line couldn't sell ice water in Hell. Seriously: How badly did they mess up this marketing? Oh, and also this: Size six dress or not, I'm done with Old Navy. If they can't be bothered with me when I'm fat, screw 'em: I don't want to be in their stores when I'm normal size. They're entitled to make a business decision. So am I. And if I decide that Old Navy can go pound sand, that's my business.)

Instead, I thought I'd take a moment to praise a store that does seem to value its fat customers: Dress Barn.

Poor Dress Barn. It gets no respect that I've seen online, particularly not from me. I treat the place as so hopelessly uncool that if it came and sat at my table at lunch, I'd probably pick up my tray and move. Maybe it's that Groucho Marx "I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member" syndrome coming through.

Honestly, it's the name. I still have trouble getting past That Name. I hated lugging around the big pink bag labeled "DRESS BARN" when I was really fat, and I'd do what I could to be sure the store logo on the bag didn't show. It made me feel too much like a setup looking for a punchline.

Anyhow, Dress Barn doesn't have the hip, trendy image that Old Navy does, but you know what? It's always been there for me. (Well, there was that time when I was so fat that I couldn't even fit into their plus-size stuff, but really, that wasn't their fault.)

Dress Barn doesn't keep the plus size department a secret, or relegate plus-size shoppers to the Internet where they don't get to try things on before they buy. You go to the store entrance and there's Dress Barn Woman to the left, Dress Barn Misses to the right. Perfectly straightforward.

And having had plenty of experience with the clothes on both sides of the store, I can say that the plus sized clothes have been equal in quality to the regular line. That's not always a good thing, mind you -- the quality of the clothes can be uneven, to put it mildly -- but for better or for worse, the average girls and the fat girls are getting pretty much the same thing. I have a couple of DB shirts that have lasted for two years. They're big on me now, but they've held up nicely to lots of coffee spills and washing.

And really, the clothes aren't bad there. Sure, there's some hideous eye-bleeding crap, but guess what? That's everywhere. I know I talk up Urban Outfitters a good bit, but good lord -- I wouldn't be caught dead in 98% of their stuff. (Yeah, yeah, I know -- I'm an old fart and it's not meant for me. But I wouldn't have worn it when I was in the target age group, ok?) Some of Dress Barn's stuff is a bit on the pricy side, but they have decent sales. It's always a go-to place for me when I'm looking for acceptable "Buy the same shirt in several different colors" tops for the office.

So I think I'll stop picking on them now. Anyone else have any favorite stores that do well for women of all sizes? (Extra points for stores that have a decent in-store plus line; this whole "Fat women shouldn't get to try on clothes like the average girls do" thing really pisses me off.) Despite what Old Navy seems to think, I know it can be done.

The Fundamental Unfairness Of Things.

On weekday mornings I stop in a local cafe on my way to work. I get a tall skim latte and a toasted wheat bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. (This place has fabulous wheat bagels. They're real whole wheat, with lots of yummy munchy grains; they aren't just white bagels tinted beige.) Usually I get there at the same time as another woman who always gets a 12-ounce cup of tea and a box of crackers.

A few months ago, I noticed that she was taking a great big honking handful of sugar packets when she was getting her tea. She'd already have a big fistful of packets, and then she'd reach into the basket and scoop up a couple more.

I noticed that because it's something I'd never do; I'd never grab that much sugar in front of people, lest I draw the "Do you really think you need that, dear?" comments or the disapproving "Gahhhd -- no wonder she's so fat!" glares I used to get so much when I was a teenager.

And then, because I'm nosy in general and because I've been particularly nosy about what other people eat since I started my own lifestyle change, I noticed that she was putting a ton of sugar in her tea. She'd sit there and rip and stir and rip and stir and rip and stir until the pile of sugar packets was gone. Rip. Stir. Repeat.

So one day while I was waiting for my own order, I counted the rips and glanced surreptitiously at her to figure out just how much she uses.

Twelve packets. She puts twelve packets of sugar in that tea. 278.64 calories worth according to FitDay.

That's one packet per ounce of tea.

My head pretty much went "boom" at the very idea for two reasons.

First of all, that tea must be like Karo syrup by the time she's done putting all that sugar in it. Yuck. Why doesn't she just put it in a hummingbird feeder and suck it out? Mind you, I'm not a huge fan of sweet drinks. I'm one of the only people I know who can't stand frappuccinos at Starbucks because they're so repulsively sweet to me. Even back when I took sugar in my coffee, I could only stand a teaspoon at the most. I don't know. Maybe everyone does this and I just think it's weird because I'm the actual weirdo.

Second of all, and this gets to the fundamental unfairness of it all, guess what? She has an amazing body. She's gorgeous. She's slender, but shapely. Everything on her is perfection itself. If a stranger walked in and saw the two of us and had to pick who the sugar fiend was, they'd surely think I'm the one putting twelve sugars in my tea. If they even bothered to look at me with her right there, that is.

Yes, Nicole: Life is unfair. Film at eleven. Some thin people can eat everything in sight and not gain an ounce. You are not fated to be one of those people. Shocking discovery.

She was on my mind this morning because I found this article in the Washington Post yesterday: "I just want to eat food, and impress my friends, and win money". Nice work if you can get it, right? The article's all about the wild, wooly world of competitive eating.

It was in the Health section. It made a very odd contrast with the Lean Plate Club article from the same day.

And of course my initial smartass reaction was "Hot damn! A competition I'd totally win!" But no. Once again, the fat are at a disadvantage. Yup -- we couldn't even win an eating contest. Can you believe it? Most of the best competitive eaters -- the ones who can scarf down five pounds of chicken wings in 10 minutes -- are thin. Eaters speculate that the "belt of fat" that fat people carry around their abdomens works against them in competitive eating; it constricts the stomach and keeps them from really stuffing the food down.

I don't know about that. God knows that my own belt of fat never stopped me from eating until I thought I'd explode. But then again I wasn't ever trying to eat 120 jalapeno peppers in 15 minutes. I don't even want to think about what would happen if I ever tried to eat 120 jalapeno peppers. I'm guessing my digestive system might actually turn itself inside out.

Frankly, that article is pretty disgusting. It's not a bad appetite suppressant if you're in need of that sort of thing. (Seven pounds of cow brains? Ain't enough money in the world, dude.)

And I had to agree with the dietitian quoted at the end: " 'Food is abused by so many people,' said D. Milton Stokes, a Bronx, N.Y., dietitian and spokesman for the American Dietetic Association. 'It just scares me a little to see something like this celebrated.' "

Especially because I read this line first: To get better, Lerman occasionally employs an extended regimen. First he'll fill up on liquids. Then "I'll practice eating hot dogs when I'm full. The contest is going to be won not by someone who's hungry but by someone who's able to eat when they're full."

Er, guys? Take it from one who knows this too well: That is NOT a good habit to develop. Not at all.