SHOCKER -- Fat Woman Not Miserable; Claims Life "Really Wasn't That Bad."

So, that's me when I was fat.

Want to know something funny? That fat woman in the picture was actually pretty happy with her life. If you'd told her that she could never be fat and happy, she'd have rolled her eyes and muttered "Kindly speak for yourself, thanks."

I originally saw this article on Big Fat Deal, and I wanted to comment there but realized that I was writing a blog-length post.

I was neutral on the article, but the headline really pissed me off with its obnoxious use of "You" rather than "I". Here's something a lot of people might not believe:

For the most part, I really wasn't that unhappy when I was fat.

Now, I was profoundly unhappy and lonely when I started putting on all that weight -- I was miserable about my job and my lack of money and friends and boyfriends, and food was my one reliable source of comfort. If I couldn't find anything else to do on a Friday night, there was always a double date with Ben and Jerry, right? Unfortunately, by the time my situation improved, the godawful eating and lifestyle habits I'd developed had taken deep root.

Don't get me wrong; I knew how fat I was and I certainly wasn't thrilled to be that size. You already know if you've been reading for long that I endured some really awful moments. There were the times when I had to slink out of the plus-size section of the store in shame because everything there was too small. There were the times when I broke chairs in public. There were the occasional insulting remarks from strangers. There were the times I'd have to suck in my stomach and hope nobody noticed that the restaurant booth was too small for me. There were the deep feelings of embarrassment when a doctor would bring up my weight.

Those moments sucked. But those weren't everyday occurrences. For the most part, I was pretty happy. Why wouldn't I be? I had (and still have) a fine life. I had a good job. I had a house. I had some chronic health issues, but they were non-weight related and they've been in check for years.

And best of all, I defied the direst prediction that the fat-haters love to throw at people like me: I met and married a wonderful man. ("No man will ever want you," my dimpled ass.) My husband never once made an issue of my weight and never made me feel anything less than gorgeous and desirable, and I figured that if I was good enough for him, everyone else could go pound sand.

And while my life back then seems depressing to me now -- staying inside and immobile as much as possible; spending hours playing video games, gawking at the computer, or just sitting around devouring ridiculous amounts of food and then staying up half the night with indigestion -- it didn't seem depressing to me back then. I'd lived it for so long that it was comfortable and familiar. I didn't know about the simple joy of riding a bike through a tree-lined trail on a cool autumn morning; I couldn't miss what I didn't know.

And my husband and I hung out and did stuff with friends and family and generally enjoyed our lives.

Only in the last few months of 2004, as my weight soared to the point that it was causing me a lot of physical pain and discomfort, did a polite little voice in the back of my head start saying "Self? We really need to do something about this. Not because we're foul and disgusting. Not because we don't dare don a bathing suit in public. Not because we're infringing on the constitutional rights of fat-hating knuckledraggers to see only slender women wherever they go. But because we hurt, and because heart disease runs in our family and we're flirting with a heart attack."

And I honestly think that that's been the key to my success thus far: I hated my size, but I didn't hate myself. I'd already done that trip, thanks. I went through the cycle of self-loathing during high school and college, and I was already familiar with the danger of believing that losing weight would magically fix everything else that was wrong in my life.

This time, I knew going in that losing weight wouldn't change everything. Lucky me that I didn't feel there was much in my life that actually needed fixing this time around. If any of the variables in my life in 2005 had been different, maybe this story would have a different outcome. I don't know.

I realize that this is just my experience and that I don't -- and never will -- speak for all fat people. And it's not that I want to go back to my previous high weight, mind you. I know now that I missed out on a lot when I planted myself on the sofa and ate all day long. I just feel oddly compelled to stick up for that woman up there. She wasn't consumed with depression and self-loathing; she was just fat.

Comments

[Salma Gundi]

You are so awesome. Thank you for writing that. I especially liked this part "I couldn't miss what I didn't know."

Best wishes to you.

[Jeni]

Agree with Salma completely - such an awesome post. You are a complete inspiration. Confident and smart and witty. I love it. Congrats on making the decision to change and doing it. You rock.

[Jack]

An awesome post! I've lost about 60 lbs. in the last 4-5 years and am working on the last 10-15. Like you I wasn't necessarily unhappy with being overweight, my wife wasn't terrribly concerned about the 'outer package', but when I became a grandfather 5 years ago I decided it was time to do something. Now 'grandpa' runs marathons and beyond and can keep up with the grandkids.

Keep up the good work, you're an inspiration.

[dg]

Did you ever know that you're my heeeeero? Magnificent entry :)

[Ms. Purple]

BRAVO! Thank you for saying what I was thinking. The woman in the article is simply making excuses for her dismissal from the contest. The self-promoting bimbo is at heart a "fat-hating knuckledragger" herself which speaks volumes about her integrity and character, or lack there of!

[PastaQueen]

I feel the same way. It's why I don't relate to some of the fat memoirs I've read because the authors are so self-loathing.

[Debbie]

That's a great post. You're right that the woman who wrote "Why You Can Never Be Fat And Happy" has no right to speak for everyone. And she certainly has no right to imply that you don't deserve or can't have happiness just because you're overweight.

[Smissy]

I love this post. In the last 4 months I've lost 30lbs and I have another 15 or so to go. I had a great life even while I was "fat." Other people told me I wouldn't find a great boyfriend or that I'd be held back at work. They were wrong. I met a WONDERFUL guy who totally accepted me 30lbs heavier than I am now. I have been very successful at work, and I have great friends. I think losing the weight (and working on maintaining it) will add to my life but it doesn't MAKE my life. I also truly believe that one of the reasons I'm having such success NOW after many attempts is that the rest of my life is GREAT. I have an unbelieveably supportive boyfriend, a job with minimal stress and a great support network. All things that help me stay "on track."

Being fat or being thin shouldn't define who I am, it's only one part of me.

Again, I loved your post!

[LPW]

A great post. I've been reading your posts for a long time and I think this is one of the best.

Thanks for your humor and realistic goals--they've really helped me along the way.

[Brenda]

YAY to you for your wonderful essay!!!

Self-loathing takes a lot of time and energy, and if people spend their precious time and energy hating fat or hating themselves because they're fat, they'll never have the time and energy to do all those wonderful things they want to do!

It wasn't until I started to love myself just as I was, all 397 pound of me, that I had the energy to travel where- and whenever I wanted to, buy beautiful clothes, get massages and facials, and, yes, even exercise and eat healthy food. And, yes, 210 pounds came off and hasn't come back...Strange what transformations can occur when we love ourselves as we are!

[Annie]

That was an amazing post!

[BethK]

Brilliant!

[Sockmonkee]

I really like what you have to say.
Im new to the blogs and have seen a few that really moved me like yours. Im in the process of trying to lose weight ...again, and what you said about being happy with yourself, and thinking that if you lose the weight everything will change is the real reason I gained all of mine back. Nothing changed, and as it turns out nothing really needs to accpt my weight, but just for health, not for vanity.
I hope you dont mind, but I put a link to your site on mine.

Keep writing!

[spacedcowgirl]

Thank you so much for this entry. I've read much of your archives, and have been inspired both by your weight loss and your great attitude. I agree wholeheartedly with what you wrote above and I think my attitude and degree of happiness with my life as a fat person is much the same. And furthermore, I can't imagine living a life where I felt I could never be happy just because I was fat. How difficult and terrible it would be just to go on living and get through the day if I hated myself and felt it was right and natural to hate myself. Life is hard enough as a fat person without feeling like it's impossible to be happy. Oh, and I (not to mention this is true of millions of other people who are fat or otherwise don't fit the ideal looks-wise), have also found a wonderful husband who has never made me feel other than perfectly beautiful and worthy of love through all my weight ups and downs. Not to say that this is not incredible good fortune--but finding your soul mate is incredibly good fortune whether you're fat or not.

[Sandra]

Simply brilliant.

I feel that way myself. Unfortunately, for me it seems to work the other way - I am so happy I find it easy to 'cheat' because I don't want to make the sacrifices. Mind you, I am very active despite being overweight.

[Emily]

Very well put. I just ran across your blog and like it, already!

[Dee]

VERY good writing! I think that the world needs to read this kind of stuff -- from someone who knows. Thank you for your inspiration.

BTW, my blog is private right now only because of technical difficulties. It will be public again very soon (I hope). D

[Melissa]

I just started reading your blog and wanted to say how much I love what you said about hating your size, not yourself. For me (and others, I'm sure), that's a really fine line. Keep up the good work!

[Ruthy]

I really enjoyed what you wrote. I am very large, but have a great life. I am successful in work and family (except for the guy...). Thanks for the inspiration.

[mal]

How much do I love this entry? SO MUCH. It really resonates with feelings and thoughts that I've had. I never let "my fat" hold me back from enjoying my life. I traveled the world, got my graduate degree, became a therapist... all "in spite" of my size. Now I just want to feel better physically, like you. Anwyay, thanks for posting!

[Nellie]

This is a great post, I really loved it and it has just helped me to love myself, and change the way of thinking. And I have just stopped to focus on what people say about me but just love myself and be myself.

once a gain great post.